Crack-ship one-shots
by TAB-flavored-faygo
Summary: Where I shall try to update as often as possible and fight my procrastinator's heart. T for now because I'm paranoid and for such wonderful language.


*SNAP*

"Fiddlesticks!"

"Equius, you're not suppawsed to hold it that way..."

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK, and you are currently FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. You have recently found a recipe to make SOPOR BROWNIES with, and are currently trying to make them with your moirail NEPETA LEIJON, but you have yet to master just how to make the-

*CRACK*

"For goodness' sake, Nepeta, these utensils are udderly weak."

"I don't think it's *just* these things that are making them break, Equius."

You take a sigh, and reconsider even making these things at all. Wait, why ARE you making these things at all? Oh, that's right, because of your UNREQUITED HIGHBLOOD LOVER, one GAMZEE MAKARA. You know that he ADORES eating sopor, and on various occasions, you have even tried to ask him just WHY he eats the stuff, but he'd simply laugh and continue consuming the green gunk. You had gotten an idea from that recipe to try to confess your f33ls to him via sopor brownies, and Nepeta had kindly agreed to help you make them (so long as she could add you two to her shipping chart) but you can barely mix the stuff together in a bowl without breaking the whis-

*CRRRRK*

"URGH!"

You throw the bowl down on the counter, hearing it crack open at the top like an eggshell. Nepeta seems to think about something for a moment, then snaps her fingers, and slips in front of you, so that she's in between you and the counter.

"Nepeta, what on Alternia are you doing?"

"Helping," she says, grabbing a new whisk and forcing it into your hands, but not letting it go. You give her an uncertain look, but she smiles at you, and nudges you to start mixing. Her grip on the utensil is gentle, and you start to hear the whisk snap, but she nudges you again, and you soften your grip on it. She continues to help you do this with the rest of the baking, and soon enough, you have a tin full of stoner goodies. She hands them to you, but you think for a moment, giving her an uncertain look.

"Nepeta, are you sure that this will work?" you ask, and she replies with one of her 'I'm-pawsitive' looks. You take a deep breath, and, after thanking her, she shoves you out the door, and slams it shut behind you.

* * *

*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK*

"Hold on a sec, motherfucker, I'm coming..."

As you hear the clanging sounds of things falling over and the metallic honks of horns, you breathe a bit shakily, wondering all the possible things that could go wrong at the very moment. What if he thinks they're poisoned? What if he thinks that you're a stalker?! What if-

"Heeeeey, Equibro!"

Your breath hitches in your throat, and you swallow, regaining what little composure you have left. "Hello, highblood."

He leans against the doorframe with one arm held above his head, nodding down at the brownies. "Whatcha got in that box?"

"This box?" _THAT'SSUCHASTUPIDQUESTIONWHYWOULD YOUASKTHATWHATWHAT- _

He laughs softly, and smiles at you. "Heheh, well, what other box would I be motherfucking talking about?"

"I-it's a, present, highblood." _STAMMERINGLIKETHELOWBLOODYOU AREWHATTHEHELLISWRONGWITHYOU , _your mind screams.

"Aw, shit man, you didn't hafta get me nothin'! Didn't even know you was comin' over, and you still got me something!"

"Please, highblood, it is quite a foolish gift, but..." You hold out the present to him. "Here." _WHATIFHEDOESN'TLIKEITWHATIFHEDOESN'TLIKEIT _

"Bitchtits, man!" He grabs the box from you, ripping off the top. His mouth hangs open for a moment, and you almost scream with anticipation of his thoughts. "Do you like it?"

"I..." His mouth stretches out into a grin again. "I motherfucking love it, bro!" He lifts the tin out of the box, and takes a bite out of one, licking the green stuff that drips out of his mouth with his tongue. "Shit man, you MADE these?" "With a bit of help from Nepeta, yes."

_Now's your chance, he's happy, he's happy with YOU, do it now, or you'll never get the chance again, _you think, and begin to open your mouth to say-

"Hey, you wanna come inside?"

You nearly freeze.

"Wh-what?" _THEREITISWITHTHATSTAMMERINGA GAINSTOPITYOUAREINTHEPRESCEN CEOFAHIGHBLOOD _

"Do you wanna come in and chill with me and Karbro? We're in the middle of a romcom."

You feel your face heat up in both disappointment and...excitement? _WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO _

"Yes, highblood. I would quite enjoy that."

The words are out of your mouth before you get a second chance to think them over, and suddenly he has one arm around you, and the other (still holding the tin) pushing the door shut. "Bitchtits, man! Hey, Karbro, look who it is!"

You are led into his living room, where Karkat sits, wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the floor in front of the tv. "Hm? Oh, hey Equius." He says, not really paying all that much attention to you. He barely glances up at you from the paused movie, and Gamzee sits you down on his couch. "What'd you say this thing was called, Karbro?" "The Five Year Engagement," he mutters. "Are we good? Anyone else you'd like to invite over? In fact, why don't we just throw a fucking party, and have everyone get high off of your sopor shit!" The highblood laughs from next to you, and replies, "Sounds like a great motherfucking idea!" You hear Karkat mumble something about a "high-ass-idiot-clownfuck", before resuming the movie. Almost fiteen minutes in, after Gamzee has whispered what's been happening in the movie to you, Karkat stops it again, and, without dropping his blanket to get up, leaves the room.

"I'm just gonna make some food, don't unpause the movie," He shouts from the culinarian block, and Gamzee relaxes back into the couch, taking another bite from his second sopor-filled pastry and closing his eyes. You feel your stomach churn at the thought of confessing to him, but you promised Nepeta, you remind yourself.

"S-so highblood, I...I have something that I need to tell you."

He opens his eyes and looks at you, leaning up from his spot on the couch, so now he isn't that terribly far away from you. "Yeah, motherfucker? What's up?"

_OHGOGOHGOGOHGOGOHGOGOHGOGOHG OGOHGOGOHGOG _is the only thing that your mind can process right now. "Do..." It all comes out in a rush.

"Do you ever have feelings for someone, but you don't know how they'll react, and you do everything in your power to not tell them because you're afraid to know how they feel about you?" His expression is a mixture of surprise and confusion, and you have no choice but to try to continue, so instead of staring at him, you train your eyes onto your lap. "But you want so desperately to tell them how you truly think of them, and you can't decide whether or not to tell them, and-"

He shuts you up by kissing you.

He shuts.

You up.

By kissing.

You.

Your head goes fuzzy, your eyes go wide, and you'd honestly never thought that you'd be happy to taste the sickeningly sweet flavor of faygo in your entire life. You mind has slowed down, and is trying to currently process what's going on. After only a few seconds (but felt like an eternity of bliss), you feel his lips leave yours, and his eyes open.

"I feel the same, motherfucker."

You feel your face heat up once more, and notice that there are slight tints of indigo underneath all of his makeup. You hear Karkat drop his bowl of chips as he comes back in the room, but neither of you tear your gazes from each other. He presses his lips against yours again, and for once, you allow yourself to smile in the prescence of a highblood.

_A/N- Alrighty, so there we go! That's my first addition to this fanfic, which will pretty much just be a collection of one-shots with crack ships. I'll try to update as often as possible, but forgive me if I'm a bit lazy, because holy shit I am the BIGGEST procrastinator you will EVER meet in your entire life. Please review, and also, if you'd like to suggest a crack ship for me to sail next, just tell me either on my tumblr or here. Luv u guys 333 _

_Dance to the music and don't make out with hobos :oD _

_-T-F-F _


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